Caution: Being a parent can make you crazy
The crazy, hot, sexy book that everyone was gushing over, except me.
There have been many times when I knew I was a strange woman compared to my friends. I mean, I wanted a big family, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I like wearing my husband's flannel shirt when I went to pick up the kids from school. A romantic date was burger king and a walk around the local strip mall with no stroller.
Then there were my books and reading habits. While my friends were reading self-help books or feel-good love stories, I loved a good vampire does Debbie kind of book. I had a dozen of them on my bookshelves, along with some of the smuttiest books you could find. I was never really into erotica, not enough story, but my books were kinky none the less. I gave myself five dollars every payday to get some new books for the weekend on my Kindle.
I loved my Kindle; I could find great books from $2.99 to .99 cents. Most were from indie authors, and frankly, I found their books more entertaining than the mainstream authors who wanted 15 bucks for their sucky book!
It was a spring day in Maine, which meant everything was covered in a thick layer of mud all over the ground. I had been invited over to one of my BFF's house while she was at lunch to see what was up and discuss the books we had been reading. Oh, just a note. Most of my friends make a ton of money and live in fancy homes and drive even fancier cars. On the other hand, I am the stay-at-home mom with a beat-up van who has an eBay store to make extra money to pay for gas and buy myself candles and books.
I got to my friend's house and walked inside, that's just how we are, smelled the coffee brewing, and called up the stairs. "Donna, I'm here, and I'm getting myself a cup of coffee. So hurry up and get down here so I can tell you about the smut I've been reading." I hollered smiling that no little voice was going to be calling back at me.
A couple minutes later, Donna came into the kitchen, clenching a book in both hands and bouncing on her toes. Yes, you heard me correctly, bouncing up and down on her toes like one of my children does when they wanted to tattle on one of their brothers or sisters about something. "Did you start drinking the coffee before I got here?" I asked with a raised brow.
"You will not believe what I was reading this weekend?"
If I knew Donna, it was something to help awaken her spiritual being. She had already gone through the "Living Simply" fad. She had come over and helped me purge things the books said were unneeded. That, of course, was after she had done hers. Over the next year, I had to go and repurchase everything I had gotten rid of.
Then there were the romance stories like "Eat, Pray, Love." That had Donna wanting to go out and have some kind of adventure or, in our case, a sculpting class. It must be grand to have money. Donna has a husband, and two children yet finds a way to go out and do things. The only thing I'd like to find is my way into the bathroom without the family knocking on the door every five seconds asking me stupid questions. "I have no idea what you were reading. But let me know beforehand if we are going to go to a painting class… I have to prepare Bob for my artwork." I murmured, taking a sip of coffee.
Donna stopped and laughed. "Your painting wasn't that bad; it really wasn't."
"Yeah, I'm definitely a Picasso." I sighed, putting the mug on the table. "What about this new book that has got you all wound up?"
"It's only the hottest book I've ever read,"
"Well, that doesn't say much," I mumbled.
"Everyone is reading it, everyone!"
Huh, and I hadn't heard about it. "Really, it's that good," I asked, eyeing the cover. I'm sorry, but
I am the kind of person who judges a book by its cover, and this cover sucked.
"It's a romance erotica story!"
Donna reading erotica? "Since when do you read brain porn?"
"It's not porn, well, in a way it is. Oh, but you'll love it, and you won't believe the kind of stuff they do in the book!"
"I don't know, I can believe quite a bit. My mind is kind of warped and twisted that way. Why do you think I write books."
"Come on, give it a try. I know you'll love it!" She said, laying the book down in front of me.
"Oh, wait." She said, running back up the stairs and a minute later coming down with another book in her hand. "I know you're a fast reader. The second book is even hotter than the first! The third book comes out in a couple months. We can't wait!"
"We, we who?"
"Oh, you know what I mean, everyone." Donna laughed.
"Okay then." I smiled.
Later on that night, after dinner was made, the two-hour ordeal with the kids doing their chores was completed, homework was done, babies were bathed and tucked into bed, I finally sat down and prepared to be dazzled.
The book started off okay, boy meets girl kind of thing. I'm into it. Then I kept reading and reading, and then I found myself yelling at the characters in the book and using such language that I would have made a truck driver blush. This girl was as dumb as a box of rocks. I wanted to pull her out of the book and smack her around a bit... because that's what she was into!
There were more sex scenes than I knew what to do with. It was like, they said Hi to each other, and then they're ripping off each other's clothes! There was no rhyme or reason for the sex scenes, and came to the conclusion it was only there for shock and kink value. I got that, I did. The best part of sex scenes, in my opinion, was the buildup. But come on, seven-page reading about all the in's and out's of sex was just too damn long for me. The guy sticks it in, oh, ah, yeah baby, and we're done. With the hours upon hours of sex this poor girl was having, she would be walking funny for life!
It had been four hours and was three in the morning by the time I put the book down. I skimmed over half of the book because over half the book was sex scenes with no plot whatsoever. "I still prefer vampires or werewolves screwing to this stuff." Then turned off the light and marched myself to bed, knowing I was only going to get a couple hours of sleep.
The next morning, my phone rang. I picked it up and saw it was Donna and mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of questions. "Hey you, aren't you at work?" I asked.
"Yes, but I'm on a business call, and I just hit mute, so I could call you."
"Nice, I think I'm in the wrong line of work. I want to work somewhere where I can mute out people too." I teased.
"Oh, shut up, and tell me what you thought of the book?"
"How far did you get last night?"
"Wasn't the guy hot, I mean like yummy hot?" Donna giggled.
"Wait, you haven't said anything. What did you think of it, really?"
This was not a conversation I wanted to have so early in the morning, and not even a half a cup of coffee in me yet. "I promise I'll call you and tell you all about it when I finish the second book."
"Can you come over Thursday? I don't have to go anywhere during lunch that day."
"Sure, I'll be over and bring a pizza,"
"Sounds great. Oh, I have to go, they're asking me a question. Bye."
"Yup, bye," And I hung up, knowing that was a close one.
The rest of the week was your standard, my kids are crazy, and I'm going to strangle my husband kind of texts. Nothing more was said about the sex books. When Thursday rolled around, I wore my sweatpants, pulled my hair into a messy bun and got the books in hand, and got myself ready to face the music.
Donna was waiting for me at the door, coffee in hand and already talking, when I stepped foot into the house. "I can't wait to hear what you thought about Todd." (Fake name of book character)
We sat at her table, me sipping the coffee, Donna sitting there waiting for me to utter my gushing review of the, and I quote "The hottest book that was ever written." "Well, don't leave me in suspense."
"It was good." I offered, making Donna sit back in her chair, staring at me. "What, I thought it was good."
"What did you think about the sex scene on the balcony?"
"It was steamy," I lied, wondering if that was book one or book two.
"And how about the time in the car?"
"I thought it must have been cramped, limo or not. And I wouldn't want any driver checking out my junk, kink or no kink."
"And when he pulled out her tampon and bent her over the bathroom counter?"
That had me stop, I didn't remember a tampon part, and I have to admit I was thankful for that much. "Well, ah, which book was that in?"
Donna's finger came up, pointing at me. "You skimmed! I knew it; I knew you skimmed! You didn't like the book at all, did you?"
Caught red-handed by the blond bobbed bandit. "Okay, you got me. I didn't like the books at all. I thought the guy was an ass, and the girl, ugh, too dumb for words. I spent most of the night telling her off!"
"But I thought these would be right up your ally. I mean, you've got to admit they had tons of sex in it."
"Well, there's only so much reading I can do of people bumping uglies, Donna. I mean, come on. He sticks it in, she has an orgasmic explosion, he shoots his load, and it's over."
"Oh, come on, I know you thought more of it than that."
"I don't read the books I do for sex therapy. I like the plots and the adventure. I can be a sexy vampire slayer for a couple hours instead of the dinner cooking, taxi driving, bugger wiping mom for a little bit. Though Bob and I did try the whole biting thing in the bedroom, but it isn't as sexy as it sounds in real life as it does in the books. But it's really that simple." I shrugged.
Donna sat there at the table, took a sip of her coffee before getting up and heading back upstairs. When she came back down, she had a book in her hand. Another dull cover book, but this time it was black with bright orange/ yellow words in the front and a pair of cufflinks. "Okay, I have another book for you to read, and I know you're just going to love this one!" Donna said, sliding the thick book to me with a beaming smile.
Obviously, my best friend had been bitten by the brain porno book fad, and was determined that she would get me to love this new trend all the girls were into, and the books she was reading as well. Even if it kills me.